tulum, burnout, and other things from the past 5 months

helloooo to the blog. it feels weird to be back writing on this platform after a long hiatus. as you can see, it’s been a few months since i’ve been here.

i’m not gonna lie, this post is weirdly hard to write. i’m very open on the internet, but that doesn’t mean i’m showing the vulnerable parts of myself. being vulnerable is super difficult to me, and writing about my life in an intimate way feels gross. still, i feel the only way to move forward with this blog is to write out what i’ve gone through the past few months, both to contextualize it in my head and give y’all a glimpse into my personal stuff.

this post isn’t going to be the informational ones i normally write. it’s very much word vomit. if you’re looking for ayurveda or travel or recipes, the blog is chock full of that up at the top. for people who want to read about my white people problems, welcome.

burnout and where i’ve been

as much as i would love it to be, this blog is not my full time job. i sling drinks for a living. for two years i’d worked at a vegan restaurant, which i genuinely enjoyed. in april, i was offered a position to create a completely non alcoholic cocktail menu at one of the nation’s first sober bars, awake. creating cocktails is hugely creatively fulfilling, and i love working in a conscious environment. until june, i was doing both jobs full time. i thought i would be fine.

i was not.

between the lack of rest and increasing stress at both jobs, i experienced burnout like i never had before. along with that, i dipped into the worst mental health state i had been in in years. i had massive depressive symptoms, daily fatigue, and couldn’t find the will to do most anything.

i quit my job at the vegan restaurant right before my birthday in june, and i thought i would bounce back immediately. it took me until now, the end of july, to even begin to feel like a normal human again.

it look a lot of shadow work, therapy, and physical self care practices to get me back to semi-normal. the past month i have put all of my energy and money towards prioritizing body, mind and soul health. i couldn’t be more grateful that i’m in a position where i have the privilege to take care of myself this way, because i know many people don’t.

the other day, i pulled some tarot cards for myself, and thy resonated so hard i broke open. i pulled the empress (my patron card for the next 6 months), the lovers, and the knight of pentacles reverse. getting confirmation that taking care of myself will lead to prosperity and love was the best thing i could have received.

i’m definitely on the up and up, but i’m still struggling a little bit. i grieve the personal that i was before this, but i know that humans are always evolving. our hard times make us better, and i believe i’ll like post-burnout grace.

tulum

i booked a solo trip to tulum last march after i got vaccinated (yay)! i figured it would be a great way to celebrate my birthday, and it was the first trip i would take since covid started. as you all know, since i own a holistic travel blog, traveling is my deepest passion. nothing makes me feel more alive than going somewhere new and experiencing new cultures.

tulum just did not do it for me. there were a couple of factors that made me pretty disheartened, and most of them were my own doing. it was super hot, the seaweed was rampant, and it was fullll of tourists- all things i would have known if i would have given it any research or thought.

beyond that, this trip made me realize how bad my mental health actually was. i felt incapable of wonder and curiosity. i spent a lot of time in my hotel room, trying to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me that i couldn’t enjoy this place. most of all, i was lonely. i’m an introvert to the max and rarely experience loneliness, but being by myself and not having a good time felt like a failure.

looking back, i really think that my mental health was the culprit to not enjoying tulum. but! tulum could also just not be my thing. i definitely wouldn’t go back solo, but i would consider it with a friend or a partner.

other nonsense

i’ve done a lot of purging of relationships recently, and that has let in so much room for new connections. one thing that never suffered during my bad times were my relationships. i can’t begin to tell you how grateful i am for my family, friends and other people in my life. i have received so much support and love.

my love life has also been flourishing. i’m definitely not ready to share about it on the internet, but whew. butterflies.

creatively, i’ve been a lot more inspired to create content, especially on tik tok. i’ve always loved video format, but youtube is incredibly intimidating. i love sharing short form stories and little tidbits of my life and practice on there. eventually, i think i’ll move my whole platform over from instagram to there.

i also realized i hate instagram. using it makes me feel gross, but it’s where i connect with my close friends and where i feel the most community for the blog. i’m going ton keep posting updates, but i’m limiting my time doom scrolling.

the future of the blog and i

honestly, i’m ready to start writing again. i miss the creative outlet, and the feeling that i help people in their journeys.

now that the world is opening up a bit, i want to post more travel content, as well as tarot and herbalism and spirituality. i’ll still being posting ayurveda, but less of it- i want to make sure i am not seen as an expert on the subject, because i’m not. in the future, when i share ayurveda content, i’ll be sending people to Indian educators to learn more. i want to make sure that desi people are the go-to sources for their practices, instead of me white washing them.

as for me, i have some plans for the next few months, but i’m hesitant to share them. my world is constantly changing, and i want to be open to all opportunities that arise.

thanks for reading my word dump, love you.